We do it so often… and so well. We think understanding why someone abused us diminishes its effect on us. This is a disempowering web for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Though it gives us the comfort of not upsetting other people, excusing our abuser because we understand them will keep us firmly trapped in our experience. Drinking, anger, exhaustion or depression can never, ever be an adequate reason for harming us. If our abuser was also a victim at one time, he/she needed to seek help rather than use our childhood vulnerability as an opportunity to violate us. Not ‘knowing what they were doing’ or ‘recognizing how much it affected us’ denies responsibility and asks us to carry the load.